Baby you're the right kind of wrong...

Who knew I could be confused for a man stealin' homewrecker? First it was a co-worker's wife accusing me, then an old friend's new (and very young) girlfriend. Now turns out the guy I was maccin' on ALSO has an ol' lady waitin' for him. Huh! I never thought I'd fit the definition but if the hooker boot fits I guess I'll wear it.
Ever since I broke off my engagement in April I have been able to go out and do things and spend time with people I may not have if ol Ex was still in the picture. For the Record: I do not go after involved men, they find me. The co-worker was a simple misunderstanding, the old friend I was trying to bone but not after I found out about his lil' lady. As for the other guy, well he asked for it. he was here, which was out of town for him, he was buyin' me drinks and maccin' right back. so whatev.
The thing is, I don't care. If you're dumb enough to cheat on your partner, that's between you and your partner. I got nuthin to do with it. I can only assume this will come back around to bite me in the ass soon enough...

'There ain't no cure, there ain't no cure, there ain't no cure for love....

Just like Leonard said. It's impossible to cure an infection that you willingly subject yourself to. Its like two people with an STD. If one or none don't go and get it cured, then they just keep passing it back and forth between each other, reinfecting each other. It never goes away unless we actively kill it. I don't have the cure for love. And it makes me sick. I simply should not keep living this hostile, dangerous, unhealthy lifestyle that is being a Love Junkie. But I cannot help it. I may not be romantic, but I am dying to find the kind of love you want to read about.

yeah, its like that...

I love that feeling you get when you spend time with an old friend and its like you were never apart. I love when something genuinely surprises me. I love driving around all night spotting kitties and lookin at the stars. I love riding horses and feeling the wind in my hair. I love the small glimmer of hope that just got brighter. I love that I know more and you know more. I love that I was crying earlier in sadness and now I cannot sleep out of happiness. I love that I get to live my own fairytale. But most of all, I LOVE YOU. You know who you are....;-)

the two most agony inducing sounds in the world...

Are your voice and moonlight sonata. Everytime I hear one I think of the other. I miss you everyday and everyday you slip further and further from my grasp while at the same time you remain right under my nose. When I see your company truck on the road my heart skips a beat and my face loses all color. But it's never you. It always some old man. someone who means nothing to me. I hear bits and pieces about your life. I piece together what I can and the rest is speculation. I'm distracted in everything I do, I can't stand where I am. I can't leave, and you won't go.

JUST SO YOU KNOW...

I am well aware that this has become less of a useful source of someone's real life experiences and more of a neurotic girls forum to vent about personal, useless bullshit. Sorry. If you want substance look elsewhere...

If I can't find the words to make you stay, how will I find the words to let him go?

I find myself in a new old land. I want something I can't have, and have something I don't want anymore. What's a girl to do?

The plan for now is to wait patiently. Like a good friend once said, "don't worry, when its right, you'll find your middle". For now I can only be content knowing its not the end but not yet a new beginning. I have to take what I can get until I get the balls to make the change for myself.

Its part laziness, part complacency part fear that keeps me lingering. I secretly look forward to my time spent alone, its when I have my best thoughts and feel the best about my decisions. Maybe more alone time is what I need....

I AM in love...

Just not with who you'd expect me to be.

Supposedly dreams are subconscious manifestations of what you really want in life....

So, for the last I don't know, 8 months, I have been having more or less the same dream. The same as in the same subject, sometimes I am an Indian Princess, or me in an alternate universe where I live in San Francisco and drive a vespa, or and a splendidly wealthy props designer who also lives on a ranch in my complete version of utopia and sometimes its just me, the way I am right now, just living this life, with one minor adjustment. Or is it a major adjustment? Either way, I had these dreams on and off, not too alarming, but, starting in December, they started getting really frequent. Like, twice, three times a week. At this point I dream of this subject once a night. If I take a nap, like I did today (hey its saturday, give me a break), I get to dream about this twice a day. Now, this is not something I wished upon myself, it just started happening. It used to happen a lot like, five, six years back and then it went away. Very rarely it would spring up, here and there in my dreams. The problem is, I can't escape it. I just wish I could have my utopia, or my alternate universe, or even my real life... as long as you were in it... but you're not. 

Is this real life yet?

When i started this blog not so very long ago, I was required to start it as a requirement for my last class in order to graduate. Well, that class is over and here I find myself, a real college grad, with a "real" job and still no idea how to be a real person. I always thought of any hardship I came across as a stepping stone to someting better. Now I have a good position in life; I love my job as Prop Master, I have amazing friends, and my current situation is arguably near perfect. So my do I feel like shit constantly? Like at any moment I could burst out crying or vomit? What is so wrong with my hunky dorey existance that I never feel full or content? I know what it is, but I cannot say it out loud. I can't whisper it in the wind, I can't talk about it even to my most trusted. I have to just carry on, letting people think I'm happy and content and pleased with the choices I've made and the road I find myself walking. When in reality I want to get in my car and drive till I run out of gas, I want to go where no one knows my name and has never heard of me or anyone I've ever met. I want to be rid of all these feelings and thoughts. I want to be someone else. I want to have all the things that make me happy. Not just some of them.

Never assume that when you finally get everything you want something new won't present itself that makes you start wanting all over again.